incoherent rant about fitting into spaces

[polaroidic]

all fandoms in this text will be referred to with letters. this post won't be hard to decipher since i'm pretty much an open book with my interests online (thanks, whatever birth chart placements that made me like this)

i've recently made a separate, public account on twitter with three purposes:

1. to gush and scream about Z
2. to talk about Z with other people
3. to share my Z fanart

on #1 honestly easier said than done, but has the most progress out of the three. i find it harder to be excited and unabashed on a public account where literally anyone could see (and like, and reply, and retweet, and quote) my incoherent insanity. it's a cruel cycle where i'm afraid to be misconstrued -> my words become stiff and my tweets sound weird -> i get misconstrued because talk weird. it doesn't help that i'm like, deathly anxious of interacting with people and being perceived. it also doesn't help that i actually want to interact with people and have fun in spite of my anxieties. every time i say something i feel like an idiot for being perceived. every time i try to say something my brain gets all tangled up. i've had two tweets that blew up a little but… i'm not exactly proud of that

#1 and #2 go hand in hand. I might be thinking too much - overly self-conscious, but my intuitions are never wrong. Most of the problem is nervousness.

#3 I've finished like… 1 drawing I guess. and i haven't had the guts to post and a haven't gotten around to glazing my art (because at the time of finishing, a didn't know there was a webglaze option). truth be told, i'm even more scared of my art flopping and having to start over. it's a pathetic thing to be scared about, but my self esteem re: art and creativity has been at an all time low, and flopping would worsen those feelings.